Information
Many people have different views on emotions, depending on factors such as inborn personal tendencies, culture, trauma, and primary caregivers. Studies show that the ways we relate to and think about our emotions can effect our ability to use them in a positive way and change them, when appropriate. I will propose some different ways of thinking about emotions and how even the negative ones can be helpful. The goal is a balanced view of emotions, neither suppressing or being controlled by them, with the ultimate view of using them in a helpful manner. In the takeaways section I will propose some strategies to begin relating to emotions in a more effective way.
For the tendency to push negative feelings away and suppress emotion:
There is a rare physical disease called congenital analgesia in which a person cannot feel any physical pain. At first, this could sound excellent. No pain?! Wonderful!! It is a very difficult condition for those that have it. Physical pain actually serves a purpose to protect us and give us assertively helpful information about our body and wellbeing. We learn not to eat soup that is too hot or jump off of ledges that are too high. When we inevitably get hurt, we know to, for example, go to the doctor to help us figure out the root of the pain, get a splint for our broken leg, and then rest so it can heal properly. Or if we have a wound, we are compelled to clean it and properly care for it so that it does not get infected and can mend.
Emotional pain, although also unpleasant, can serve a very similar purpose. Emotional pain is a similar signal to help us learn about things that are harmful. It can also similarly let us know when something is wrong and needs some attention or a change. An irritable person may realize that they are exhausted and overworked and need to make a change in their schedule. A person who feels very anxious may begin to dig into this feeling and identify that they have learned over the years to base their value only on their performance, leading to high levels of sensitivity to rejection and anxiousness in the absence of external reassurance. The change may look like learning to rewire their brain to change what they base their value on. Or it may look like finding a new job where their work culture is not as critical and demanding of perfection.
It can be helpful to remember that there are no bad emotions. They are just information to be used by us to our benefit. There are bad behaviors that can come out of emotions, yes. Examples of bad behaviors resulting from strong emotion: feeling angry and then hitting/yelling or feeling anxious about being late and then running a red light and cutting people off driving. The feelings of anger and anxiety are not wrong, but the behaviors that can come out of them can be. It’s important to not get the two confused.
Studies have found that suppressing a "negative emotion" such as sadness also blunts the positive side of that emotional coin. People who try to ignore or suppress sadness have a harder time feeling joy. Suppressing emotion can also increase stress and decrease positive connection in relationships.
For the tendency to over-identify with emotion and take feelings as facts:
There is a saying in the field, “feelings are not facts.” It is important to use emotions as tools that we use in tandem with logic and reasoning. I like to say that emotions can be like fire alarms. When a fire alarm goes off, our first instinct is often not to say, “There is a fire burning down the building right now!” Why? Because it could be any number of things. The cookies in the oven could be burning, it could be a fire drill, the neighbor upstairs could be smoking again, the batteries could be toast. We use our thinking to figure out what our emotion is truly signaling and respond accordingly.
For example, a person feels rejected after an interaction with a friend. Taking the feeling as fact, they may conclude that their friend hates them and the friendship is over. Perhaps, digging into their feeling and as well as the facts, they may identify that they had a poor night of sleep the night before, had a stressful day at work, were already on empty going into the interaction, had expectations that their friend was not aware of, and that the friend also was having a bad day. Another example may be a person who feels like a failure. Digging into this feeling with reason, the person may be able to realize that their idea of success is shifting and unachievable and that the feeling has been reinforced by caregivers who were often critical of them.
The Goal
Therefore, the goal is to find a balanced way to use emotions in which they are neither suppressed and ignored or taken as facts; running the show and controlling our behaviors in a negative way. “Feelings make excellent servants, but terrible masters.” -John Seymour
So, may we use our emotions to help us live a full life with increased understanding of ourselves and how we can best relate to ourselves and those around us.
Applications
For the times that you tend to suppress or judge emotion:
1. Use DBT skill “Mindfulness of Current Emotions.” Practice noticing what you are feeling without judging it, holding on to it, or pushing it away. Do not deem an emotion good or bad or work to suppress the emotion (when you are in a safe space that you are able to do this), let yourself feel it while it is there.
2. Name your emotion. This alone has been documented as a way to help ease negative feelings.
3. After naming the emotion, remind yourself there are no bad emotions, it is just information. Then work to figure out what information is the emotion trying to convey. Does anything need to be done or changed in light of this information?
For the times that you tend to let emotion control behavior:
1. Use DBT Skill “Check the Facts.” List the facts of the situation prompting the emotion (this is what could be observed from an outside 3rd party). Then check if the emotion and its intensity fits the facts or if an interpretation of the facts is leading to distress.
2. Identify personal values and priorities, so that when making a decision or deciding how to act, they can be used as a compass. Making decisions only out of emotion can lead to feelings of discordance; making values-based decisions tends to lead to more feelings of peace and long-term happiness. Using this tool, emotions can be identified, felt, and taken into consideration; but not overrule the things that are most important to you.